By Rob Furlong
As I write this, news of the death of Tina Turner, the “Queen of Rock and Roll”, has broken. Reading through a tribute to her, I was interested to learn that she had converted to Buddhism. If you are familiar with her story, you will know that for many years she was physically and emotionally abused by her husband, Ike Turner, until she found the courage to leave and regain her life.
As with all women who have been abused, she was left with deep emotional scars and so she turned to the Buddhist faith to learn how to forgive her former husband. Despite her best intentions however, she admitted she was unable to come to the place of truly forgiving Ike.
I don’t tell this story to condemn Tina Turner or any other person who has been abused in any way – forgiveness in situations like these is an incredibly difficult and complicated process and requires thoughtful, sensitive, counsel.
We know forgiveness is essential to the peacemaking process, but we also know it is incredibly hard to extend.
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Category: Rob Furlong – Building Better Relationships
Becoming a peacemaker
by Rob Furlong
You don’t have to look very far in our world today to see how lacking we are in peace and peacemakers.
Right now, as you read this, there are 22 wars being waged around the world, on five separate continents, resulting in the deaths of 120,151 people in 2022 alone. Some of these conflicts have been going on for decades.
Closer to home, many of us have no peace in our personal lives or relationships. Perhaps a friend at school has turned against you or you are no longer speaking to a relative because of an argument neither of you can resolve.
Many people perpetually live their lives with a profound sense of deep sadness, emotional hurt and estrangement from God and people.
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Becoming a piece of world peace
By Rob Furlong
“A smile is the beginning of love.” – Mother Teresa
Agnes Gonxha was born in Skopje, the capital of modern-day North Macedonia and at the age of 18 entered the Order of the Sisters of Loreto with the intention of becoming a missionary to India – she arrived there in 1929. Known then as Sister Teresa, she was deeply moved by the overwhelming poverty and destitution of people living on the streets of Calcutta and sensing the call of God, in 1948 began working to alleviate their suffering.
Eventually joined by a group of young women, she founded the Missionaries of Charity with the vision of providing “wholehearted free service to helping the poorest among the poor.” They worked with AIDS, leprosy and tuberculosis sufferers, allowing them to die with dignity in the Mission’s hospice, provided food, and founded orphanages, schools, and mobile clinics. In time her ministry grew to 4,500 nuns serving in 133 countries.
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Don’t let your anger ruin Christmas
by Rob Furlong
About a month ago I came across a trailer advertising this year’s Christmas movie – Violent Night. Basically, the plot revolves around Santa going rogue and taking out the bad guys on Christmas Eve, using his heavy arsenal of guns and weapons. Hence the name Violent Night. (Disclaimer here – I am not recommending you see the movie – but there is a point to my mentioning it!)
Violence is not something we automatically associate with Christmas. Our minds are filled with thoughts of love, peace, and good will toward others, but violence? Certainly not!
However, if you read the account of Jesus’ birth carefully – the first Christmas – you will discover that violence is as much a part of the story as peace and love.
Principles of Healthy Communication
By Rob Furlong
“The more heated the disagreement, the more our inner steam tank builds to the breaking point, and it is all we can do to keep a level head through the whole explosive episode.”
Every honest person reading the statement above by Clyde Murdock will agree they have struggled with this in times of “heated disagreement” including the person writing this column!
However, if we are truly prepared to make changes in the way we express our anger and communicate and commit to the process of change over the long haul, how and what we communicate will wonderfully transform our relationships.
Communication Killers
By Rob Furlong
Author Tim La Haye once wrote:
“As long as two people can keep the lines of communication open and freely express their feelings, differences can be resolved.”
We have been exploring anger this year and the negative effect it has on relationships when expressed poorly or inappropriately; this month I want to talk about the way in which negative anger kills communication between people and what we can do about it.
There are three, basic communication killers.
When our fears turn to anger
“Be angry, yet do not sin…”
So wrote Paul the Apostle as he gave great practical advice on living out our relationships with one another.
Many years ago, a friend read this out to a group of us while also making an honest admission that he found this piece of advice “incredibly difficult to live out!” He was simply echoing what we all felt – it’s so easy to quote this statement, but extremely hard to follow!
Love covers all wrongs
“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all wrongs.”
Let me tell you the story of Binyoni, the Principal of a Christian school in Burundi.
His name means “Little Bird” and he was called this because he had a beautiful gift of music and was constantly singing and encouraging people in their faith.
There came a time of political unrest in the country and the ruling Tutsis were systematically seeking out leaders in the Hutu community and murdering them.
Binyoni was a Hutu and one day, he and his eleven teachers were taken by a group of Tutsi soldiers who had been given orders to put them to death. As they were being escorted up the hill to their place of execution, Binyoni turned to the soldiers and asked if he could pray for them.
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Is it ever payback time?
“Never take your own revenge…”
The man who penned these words, Paul the Apostle, was writing to a group of people who were living in a city and world that was hostile to their beliefs and values and they often found themselves the victims of unjust treatment.
When we are treated unfairly, it is natural for us to feel angry and revengeful. Thoughts of “payback” arise within us, and we imagine scenarios where we are the one in control and we give the culprit “what he or she deserves.”
Well, at least I do!
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Forgiveness is vital to a relationship
Unhealthy anger inevitably leads to an unwillingness to forgive, and many a relationship has been destroyed because people have refused to forgive each other.
Forgiveness is also a very real issue in marriage. The health of a couple’s relationship can often be determined by the willingness (or unwillingness) of a husband and wife to forgive each other.
I have talked with many couples over the years, and I never stop being amazed at how people hang on to things they did to each other years ago and the overwhelming pettiness of it all.
“She did this…”
“He always forgets…”
“I never do that…”
On and on it goes.
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